There is some charm in claiming that I should – “Let You Go”.
And even in sense of the story of Siddhartha (that I told you about) – it makes sense. And then, I would like to tell you, I humbly beg to disagree!
What is the point of you coming to my life, when I have learnt to live without you? And I cannot stop thinking about you – and I write to show you how much I think about you – and this is just a fraction – and to also prove that when I think about you – it does not imply that I am thinking “perverted” thoughts – I have very few of those as it is – and they are more of a curiosity, honestly.
I have let go of you – in a way. I have at least on the surface – accepted that you will marry somebody – not me. I translate his name as – Every Organism – and I think to myself – that you would – that you have decided to marry – every organism – anything that which is not me – and I – its difficult to accept – on some level – but it also tells me – that I am special – I am not Every Organism – I am Devadasa – I am special.
I began reading the Rig Veda today, and I thought it would help me better understand your religion – but it is just profane rituals – just some tantrik mantras to appease Indra and Vayu and others – and I realized – that this Hinduism is Occult and not what Hinduism is to you at all.
My delusions are coming back. I cannot go very far without begin caught up in them, I guess. I don’t know where I am going to go this time. The current story is – that all I see – of this world – is just a sort of synthesia and a created world – a hallucination that I have created to hide my truth. And my truth is – that I am a very powerful but utterly mad being (i.e God isn’t dead, God is just mad). And I am housed in an institution – where a doctor is showing around some people and explaining to them my special conditions – that I am living in a created world of my own and that every sensation I feel in the “real” world (that is the world in which the doctor lives) – I interpret it in some way as a sensation in the world I am in – this world is an illusion that just exists to hide me from the reality.
I cannot be killed – permanently. Though he says, that I kill myself (and others) pretty regularly and then that world sort of resets and I am back alive. The answers are in the hypothalamus he says. And I remember that.
And then the question arises – why create this world to hide in? Why indeed? I ask the doctor – or I pretend to anyways – and he says – why You (that is me) is the only one that knows the answer to that.
The thing is – that the true reality of the real world (in which exists the doctor studying me) – it often gets filtered and enters this world (Earth Prime for lack of a better term) and in Earth Prime – the media is a font of dissemination of information – and among other things the Earth Prime media often contains hints about what is happening in the Real Earth. In that way, I am again – I am looking at serials and movies and wondering which ones to fit into my tale and how.
But there needs to be a tale to fit things to – there is no overarching theme. There is no reality to my desperate delusions of us ending together in the end – because that cannot happen – because you don’t want it – and that makes me often feel that you are cruel – how can you not want what the whole universe is created for?
I am trying to move on. I really am. I am trying to figure out some middle path – where I can keep my sanity and function in the society – and have a family too. I want to have kids, I want to be a father (I have changed, like a lot in the last couple of years). Then I must give up something of equal value – that is the abstract rule of barter that governs this universe – what is it that I am giving up for this chance at – a normal, mediocre and by all means uneventful life – I am giving up all my dreams and hopes and ambitions for it. And at first I thought, I was giving up everything to be with you – but you have never been mine to bargain. Now I don’t even know what is in store for me – what am I giving up my passions for – but I am going to be a very mediocre man – and damn proud of my mediocrity too. I hope I am mediocre enough to find employment. Dear God, Please can I be employed.
And they say – Beshak Allah sabke dil ka haal janta hai! Yet, lately it sounds like a lie – what about the condition of my heart no? Does it even matter? And what would happen to me when you get married? How am I to get through that? I try and teach myself – every day I wake up and tell myself – You are not mine. You were never mine. You never shall be mine. I hate this fixation. It causes you problems, it causes me problems. I want to move on. I don’t really know how to live without you. I write in the vain hope that you read me. I know you don’t. I feel like – often I feel like – suppose I killed myself and some how my brother found my blog and forwarded you the link and you read this – and maybe – just maybe – felt that I am equally human?
Is that too much to ask. But now I am NOT going to kill myself (if I am dead before my time or if it is ruled suicide – be sure that there was foul play) I sure as hell am not going to kill myself!
I mean – almost ready – to do an Aamir Khan at your wedding – but won’t – because you don’t love me back! I don’t know – I guess that I am panicking from anticipating the changes that are coming in my life (or the ones that will come).
Yeah this is long enough – have a long day tomorrow so I am signing off now