I AM NOT SCHIZOPHRENIC!!! (I am just weird(bipolar))
I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry. I have been meaning to write this out for ages (well months since I found out). I went to NIMHANS B’lore and the doctor suggested to me that my psychotic episodes could be just that – a side effect of all the druggy behaviors. Please don’t do drugs he said – and I won’t and I don’t.
I was on a combination of mood stabilizers and antidepressants and when he said that I felt so stupid I could have kicked myself! Of course, this was a mistake of the Doctor @ Patna (and I wonder what other fuck ups he does in the name of treatment (but I wonder if he is worth saving – after all he does “cure” some people)), but I felt that I should have known that one has a stabilizing effect and the other has an anti depressing effect so they sort of act opposite – chaotically in fact (all my brain chemicals in a soup yew!), making my thought patterns unstable and making me emotionally vulnerable, well more vulnerable than is usual for me.
One must be in control.
To talk to others is to relinquish that control,
to get superimposed and decoherent,
Lately I feel like I can tell,
the conversations are long over before the first words even fell.
People talk to argue and express their disagreement with justified righteous indignance,
Superlative higher orders of logic proffered in deference,
All a conversation is, or ever was or shall ever will be,
is the emotion – a raw, naked and untamed curiosity.
Devoid of words and meanings it shall ever be.
Words are just punctuation marks for the emotions that they summon.