- “I love you, Dominique. I love you so much that nothing can matter to me–not even you. Can you understand that? Only my love–not your answer. Not even your indifference. I’ve never taken much from the world. I haven’t wanted much. I’ve never really wanted anything. Not in the total, undivided way, not with the kind of desire that becomes an ultimatum, ’yes’ or ’no,’ and one can’t accept the ’no’ without ceasing to exist. That’s what you are to me. But when one reaches that stage, it’s not the object that matters, it’s the desire. Not you, but I. The ability to desire like that. Nothing less is worth feeling or honoring. And I’ve never felt that before. Dominique, I’ve never known how to say ’mine’ about anything. Not in the sense I say it about you. Mine. Did you call it a sense of life as exaltation? You said that. You understand. I can’t be afraid. I love you, Dominique–I love you–you’re letting me say it now–I love you.”
- Gail Wynand
It occurs to me that you are becoming to be a muse to me – an incidental and it wouldn’t matter were you with me or not to what I feel for you. I think, its more like, I am habituated to feeling about and thinking about you – and most of the times its not perverted (as you would imagine, what are you even thinking about me, you would probably wonder) – I think about and worry about you, in much the same sense as I would about my family, my parents, my family, only I don’t worry about them – all my worry is reserved for you. I don’t get time to worry about my future, I am worried about what choices you make, all that can go wrong, how powerless am I to change things for you – it makes me want to earn money – but most of the time I am incapacitated by thoughts of you.
And I have chosen the wrong path – academics don’t do well at action – when was the last time you heard of a professor who was also an action hero? Or of a professor who displayed quick thinking? Acted out-of-the box? No to them – the only thing that matters – rigor – they want to say things, that cannot be proved wrong. And as such, each takes a tentative step ahead on the ice, holding on carefully to every other person who is moving, they move – in a herd, so they will drown when the ice breaks. So when the ice melts, they wouldn’t know where to go.
Lets forget those bozos, you and me, we are the ones that matter. There was a time, I thought why did we even need more people? Aren’t you and I sufficient? Just you and me and a timeless eternity. It felt so blissful. Then, I thought, maybe, this is a sort of a needle in a haystack problem, and it occurred to me – that the only problem worth solving is – passing on genes right – to the “correct fit” partner – and you’d be wrong if you thought that my conclusion was – that I need to sleep with you. I didn’t even think of you at all.
The usual guy (or male of whatever species) strategy that makes sense – impregnate as many females as you can think. That to me indicates why females are so uncertain about sexual relationships – a pregnancy lasts 9 months, but a child requires 20 years of upbringing and countless adjustments to mental attitude and lifestyle not to speak of all the sacrifices it entails – you better make damn sure that you want to marry the guy you want to marry. And the more pedantic person would claim that an unwanted pregnancy can be shed – but its not an undo button, eh? The complex relation between a woman and her womb – I am not sure I can ever comprehend it – is a divine thing even.
The thing is – the stablest solution is – to have a child in a secure family environment – and yes I am talking of monogamy – its not a compulsion at all – it is the best play – if you understand what it entails. And our parents – out of a sense of duty – or love – naively – I think – got quite a few things right (have you noticed lately how lovely you look? Especially when your hair is a little askew!) And people tell me that man wasn’t made for monogamy – and that makes sense – it is just some religious practice to mind control the weak and the feudal kings and religious leaders were having multiple sex partners, so why should there be exclusive couples? And even then for some people – exclusivity is a mark of commitment – it is as close to marriage they can get. But, the point is, it is not about having as large a progeny as you can. There is no – and absolutely no – zero fucking advantage I mean to say – of having a hundred sons over five – and I am not just talking in terms of a story, but realistically, there is too much certainty and the more your parental duties are divided – the less dividend your individual children fetch and the less attention they get. And society is just a meaningless distraction away from the nobel pursuit of raising your children – and I say this with the least hint of sarcasm – I cannot think of anything in the whole wide world – curing cancer, world hunger all fall short of raising your child to be a conscientious human being. One such child would overcome the whole of the farce that human civilization is – if the need arises.
And the funniest thing is – that there is no such thing as eugenics – its not as if there is a specific set of genes that make a man better – or worse – its more like in role playing games (*resist* the temptation to roll your pretty eyes) some are stronger, some are faster but any task can eventually be done by anyone. Eugenics is totally fucking stupid and anyone who promotes it (racists by extension of argument) are retards. QED.
Anyways, returning back, there are more people – it makes the game interesting – the game of finding (and the significantly more difficult game of keeping) your soulmate with you. So who is it for me? I wondered and I thought, its something in the eyes, it has to do with the eyes. And I looked into the eyes of every woman I saw, and I really mean every, old, young, fat, thin, beautiful, ugly – whatever, all that mattered to me, were the eyes – because the most beautiful woman is the one with the most beautiful eyes. And of course, its not appreciated, I guess, every eye I sought, turned away – in disgust I daresay – this was back when I was still abusing stuff.
Things happened, time passed. Then came 2013, 1st of March, and I looked at your eyes – and was reminded of something I had forgotten – that I had lost – and I discovered – that it hadn’t gone anywhere that it was with me all the time. My life was turned upside down – and since I am delusional – I actually felt the moving upside-down of my life physically. It was then I realized – its not about searching far and wide – and its just – its always near you. And its not necessary – people don’t have to be “soul mates” (its a poorly defined word in anyways), you can have a fulfilling relationship if you try – but it requires both members to be equally committed to the task of love. But I posit, that there are cases, people with whom you feel an immediate connection – say at a party you hit off with some people but not with others. Its like that – but more, infinitely more intense. More arguments – I will think of them later – its not like you’d read me or I will stop writing of you.
And I am all kinds of diseased, so I hope that explains all the stupid shit that happened since then. And I don’t believe sorry means anything. But, please let me make it up to you.
THE ONLY WAY TO SHUT ME UP IS TO TALK TO ME!