I have observed this phenomena in me. No matter how sad or angry I might be on a given day, when I wake up, I am actually quite happy. And I cannot understand that, why am I happy? what right do I have to claim such a magnificent gift all to myself? So I desperately walked around, willing myself to be angry. Happiness I would tell myself is the bliss of ignorance. A happy man knows nothing. And without knowledge, one cannot comprehend perfection. So I desired for sadness.
I have always been scared of my anger. The first instance was when I was in second class. I never studied in the first class, I found it too easy and skipped to the second. And the second was also very easy, but I got scared, what if I could just skip directly to graduation? I didn’t want that.
My father had been transferred to this tiny little subtown called Kishanganj(meaning the town(?) of Krishna) because apparently Krishna passed through here. And I cannot begin to fathom how you could justify that, people scarcely are aware of where their parents have been and claiming to know for sure that Krishna was here crores of years ago, that is just a way too mighty supposition. So anyways, I was in the second grade in this school called Bal Mandir that was run by some Jain missionaries. We used to sit in this huge hall at lunch and everybody would eat there. Before coming to Bal Mandir I was in a Jesuit Convent when I was a preschooler. And I am somewhat proud of it too. And my high school was also Jesuit, so there is that symmetry in time. And I like things like these.
Anyways I once got into a fight with some guy who was a couple of years my elder and much taller than me. I had seen flicks of Akshay Kumar and Suenil Shetty, so I guess I was aching to give it a try. So I don’t remember what the fight had been about, put he pushed me or something. So I backed and took a running jump aiming for his nose, but see I was tiny and the most lift that I could get was upto his nethers. And I guess that is way more effective than kicking somebody in the face. He collapsed to the ground. It was already time to leave for home, so I dusted my clothes and was figuring what lie I would make to explain my torn shirt. I found a razor blade and made the tear on my pocket larger. And then I had an ink pen I dropped some ink on my shirt. I don’t know what I was trying to accomplish. Maybe I was trying to make it appear to my mother that I had desperately tried and succeeded in taming the beast known as education. Nothing much happened at the house I think, because I don’t really have a very clear memory of it. What happened the next day, I remember very vividly. My mother and grandfather were in the school and I was called out by the principal and I was explained that the boy I had kicked had not just collapsed but also fainted. I was dismayed. I didn’t intend to hurt him that badly. I was of the opinion that since I was tiny I had not really hurt him much. Never again I swore never again would I hurt people and least of all physically.
My solemn oaths never really amount to much I have noticed. I was in my second year and I got into a fight with this guy called Kshitij, whom we called Bumbay because he wanted to go to IIT bombay but had somehow landed up in IITK. He was also called State-Level because he apparently had played all games at state level competitions when he was in school. He was one of those guys that never really fit in. But now he is married and teaches at this IIT prepschool rather exorbiantly named Resonance, So I guess the jokes on me. And I am only from FIIT-JEE and I don’t quite remember what the F was for. At that time, he was about my size, but somewhat bulkier, I think. Though there were times when I was significantly fatter than him. But anyways, there really wasn’t a reason. We were being goaded by friends who wanted to see if we fought who would win. Guys are always sizing each other up, I don’t get it, I have never won at those arm wrestling games. I once defeated my mother and there was this time when I had to struggle to defeat my brother, so that for me is pretty sufficient information about my strength and I don’t need more. Now normally I don’t pick fights, because well there isn’t a reason really. So anyways I pushed him and he sort of flew into the wall. In my mind I went wow, I am strong. That is all there was to it, I think.
Then there was the rather cs incident. Everyone of my friends know about it. And it is one of those acts I really regret. I was playing counter strike on lan. Earlier we shared the same lan. Not the one like these days where every hostel is its own sublan or something. I don’t really know much about networking. So anyways, I only played cs for one I reason. There is this sniper in the game called awp and there is this gun called the desert eagle. So I liked to do two things. Quick scope with the sniper and then if in trouble swat around with the eagle. Now there is a very pro way of playing the game, where you basically outwit others and listen to their footsteps, you don’t get a crosshair with the awp so some people go on so far as to draw a dot on their screen and shoot automatically. But I am not one for such finesse I think. I would run around oblivious of others most of the time. Pressing q changes to the previous weapon, pressing t would draw a graffiti of your liking. And people witnessing me would laugh I guess. I mean all I ever did was spawn graffiti run while quick switching weapons, draw another grafiti and suddenly bullet in the head. Respawn and repeat. But there were these moments, see when I would be a bit more careful and instinctively snipe. At that point of time, I was pretty sure that there is no greater pleasure in the world than quickscoping somebody from across the map. But it is a very instinctive thing. You right click to aim through the sights and while the sights are appearing you move your mouse across and shoot, and if done right, it is a one hit kill and really enrages people d:
So anyways I was getting killed and muski and meesum were standing behind me. Making fun of my terrible attempts. And I was actually, I found my sheer incompetence funny myself too. So but I thought I should act a bit strict or something. And I suddenly found myself getting actually frustrated. Now muski senses these things better than meesum, because he generally has a tendency to play with fire and enrage people. If somebody is a communist he would be like yeah fuck communism, soviet union collapsed. And basically variations of these. So when he realized that I am actually getting a temper, he sort of backed off. Meesum on the other hand, either didn’t get it or maybe he wanted to see how far I would go. And I sort of hit him in the face and his glasses fell, and I could see he was disappointed more than anything. And I have been apologizing to him about this forever. And today I think, maybe, just maybe he is sort of enjoying making me squirm. So ha, there, I have seen your game, I am not gonna apologize about this again. But I am pretty sure he would find something else, if only because I apologize at the drop of a hat.
Oh since we are talking about fighting it reminds me of something only tangentially related. I just remembered that I have a yellow belt in the noble korean art of taekwondo. I say taekwondo, but it was mostly about punching the air, as far as I could figure out. I had always wanted to learn a martial art, to which end I wasn’t sure. Now when I was in Kishanganj there was this training school next to mine that taught karate. And there was another when we moved to patna. Maybe they moved with us? I had seen the karate kid, so I was like, yeah you only need to learn how to paint a house and you could be a master of karate. So I was like, meh I could pick this up at anytime. Then we got to IITK and there was this fuck awesome presentation on taekwondo. Nothing is as good in reality as it is in a presentation. There were vids of people practicing it, a teacher talking about how it is the most awesome of all martial arts. So since we had to for since the daily torture of courses and lectures isn’t punishment enough do a compulsory physical activity. And I was incensed, getting to lectures IS the compulsore physical activity that I have to indulge. Standing in a line with 400 other students just so I could eat a couple of rotis that the mess workers throw at us is a cpa. Getting out of bed is a cpa, you know. And why and to what end? I mean I don’t really want to go into body building, my body is pretty fine for the kind of tasks I subject it to. I can walk, I can walk forever. I was in class 5th and I missed my bus and I walked from my school to my home, that is like 10-15 kms and I didn’t even get tired. I didn’t break a sweat, as the phrase goes. And part of the reason is that I walk lost in my thoughts. The more I am struggle, the more I need to strain, the more I think. And it works pretty fine for me. I don’t mind walking at all. I walk at this quasi equilibrium pace, where I recover as much stamina as much as I lose while walking. I don’t mind walking at all. It is anyways the most fun activity that you could do outside the library alone in IITK. Or with friends. In my fourth year, most of my friends who were btech were leaving and we would walk, we would get out of Hall 1 and fucking walk all over the place. I don’t think there is a corner of IITK that I have not seen. I have walked all over the place and I have thought everything. Then the same thing repeats every year. In my fifth year, all my dual degree friends left. And in the period since, almost everybody has left. And come summer I would leave this place. I had never really felt myself really worthy of my degrees. I mean there are mountains of books that I have not read. there is so much that I don’t know. How can I go on to my Doctorate, if I don’t even know what I have laerned? I would lament. And I mean it is all pretty fucking meaningless, if you ask my honest opinion. All that science or philosophy or poetry really is a structure that you build, but there is no guarantee. What ascertains my nobility? I never really found the answer. I was looking in the wrong places.
And then one day, I was walking through the fog and I saw something that made my haert skip a beat. And I knew what I must do next.