Shit. Shit. Shit. What am I turning into? I am not some fucking number in your list of fucking admirers. I am reduced to this weak fucking pathetic state. Its fucking horrible. You are a fever, that is what you are. This is just an infatuation and it will fucking pass.
I get the hint okay. Finally. I mean I knew this but I was hopeful. I thought that there was more meaning in this world after all. I am so ashamed and so fucking angry right now – at myself mostly. I don’t behave like this at all. My brain was addled that is all, I had gone senile. I had a psychotic episode in early march and I had all these many hallucinations, and these feelings for you are just some residual of that. Just an elegant desirable solution. That is all.
I am just, I don’t want to discard it yet. Even now it makes me weak. Just the whole symmetry with the past. Just trying to make believe something and make it true. This is the difference between belief and truth. And I am grateful to you for making me realize this difference. My beliefs of laws of universe and order don’t matter at all. There never was any substance in them.
I am fucking superstitious and it is just so embarassing to come to terms with this reality. It is on some level scary. But it is also liberating to know that there really isn’t a God. You know I really was fed into the fevered hysteria. God is just a fucking hallucination.
Thank you. Your lack of interaction with me has finally given me the confidence to be the person that I am and that I really should be.
And you really don’t want to talk to me. I understand that now. Why would you? I probably came across as some fucking pathetic loser to you. You don’t want to waste your time with me. Naah you want a winner yeah? Not a fucking naive loser like me.
But the jokes on you because you just met me at my most vulnerable. I think I am sick of you already. I still have some residual thoughts of you left, I would vomit them if I could you know.
Now I am assured that you are very hot. As can be evidenced by all the guys salivating over you. However you never did it for me physically. I am not and have never been sexually attracted to you at all.
For me it had always been at a more abstract, spiritual level. The whole first love angle. But that is just retardation frankly. Ah just so much time, years of my life spent just wondering what I would say if we ever ran into each other. Which mercifully never came to a pass. Thank God for that eh?
I just, I got overwhelmed for a moment, lost my footing and grasp on reality. I guess its just the price I paid for having fun. Should maybe have done a bit less drugs I guess.
I am so fucking retarded. I can never see the signs at all. I just really just wanted to talk to you yea, wasn’t going to fucking propose or anything like that. Just been so curious. Who are you? Why do you have this effect on me? What makes you special? But there isn’t anything yea. Not you, not me. We are all just really totally fucking lost. Shouldn’t you be able to see? I wondered, we are fated star crossed lovers who have crossed fiction and reality and creation and are going to meet. We are quantum fucking entangled baby!
But that is just a misconception isn’t it!
I am so sorry for all the things I have said. Like it is going to do much now after all I have said. But I am sincere in this. I think you are a good girl. Don’t really know you though, which though is mostly your fault. I hope you are happy with whatever person you finally decide on. I hope he has enough sense to at least keep you happy and protect and provide for you.
My anger is mostly at myself really. After the whole fiasco at IITK I had decided to be more vigilant. Don’t let this fiasco repeat. Ever again. And two years down the line I have again the same fevered hallucinations. Fucking weak dude. Fucking nauseating.
But in my defence you were the only chink in my armor. I had thought that I have gotten over you. That you were no longer a factor. Boy was I fucking wrong.
Yet it is, for the most part over. And it doesn’t sadden me at all. I am just disappointed that there was no substance to what hallucinations I have allowed myself to maintain.
I like to remain in control at all times. Especially of my mental state and the last few weeks have been pretty trying in this respect. Just fucking totally lost. It was just this weakness, I assure you. I hope I wasn’t improper in my conduct or made untoward advances. I hope that I didn’t make you feel uncomfortable. Just think of me as being mentally challenged, which I become when I start to obsess over you.
I would reiterate, I just saw a meaning that just didn’t exist at all. Just a manifestation of the uncertainty of the universe. Argh. Just so so sorry babe, just couldn’t think straight at all. I just trusted whatever hallucinations I had over what is reasonable and what I knew. I knew it was a mistake. But it was just so elegant. It made so much sense to me.
Ideally I would have never have contacted you at all. But that picture of you. Just that fucking picture. It makes you look like a heavenly idealization rather than being just flesh and blood. And for some time I was just sick. That is all I think.
Just no mystery to it at all. You are looking to settle down I guess. Maybe you were just curious last year or whatever. Curiosity is hardly a crime. I don’t hold that against you at all. I probably squandered my chances with you five years ago. Maybe never had any.
I think you are a very strong, very beautiful girl. I don’t mean from a sexual viewpoint. I mean more mathematically. It is difficult to express in words. Your beauty isn’t as they say, in the eyes of the beholder. It is a law of the world. I find it strange that others don’t seem to be getting it at all. Fucking retards. You will be fine I am sure. I have no worries. The world is your playground and you go from strength to strength.
I am just so sorry, you didn’t need to deal with my poser emo shit at all. I have restrained myself a lot but it has not been easy. It would have been a bit easier for me if you had just told me that you don’t want to talk to me at all. I mean yeah a bit harsh, but I only understand direct and to the point statements. There is just so much work for me to actually sift through all the stuff and try and understand what is being implied from the context. It is not just that. I am set in my beliefs. I did catch on that you didn’t want to talk to me at all, eventually, but I found myself lacking the conviction to believe that. It went against all my notions. I have been wrong about everything. It has just taken me some time to orient myself and get my bearings right.
I want to address the possibility that you somehow wandered onto my blog and read this, and despite the revulsion kept reading and got till here. Well, clearly you are feeling hurt and surprised and angered that someone you barely knew could be so harsh to you, so much of a monster indeed. I am what I am. I cannot help it. My thoughts are not always in my control, despite all my efforts. I vent them to remain sane. But J respect you. I reiterate, I respect you. I don’t claim to know you, but I still respect you. You know in Sanskrit my name could be Kalidasa. I am surprised and hurt by how much you have misjudged me you know. I am not crazy, per se. Just a little bit strange. I just did a lot of stupid shit in school. Like I used to write the first letter of your name in a distinct way so that it resembled a flower. That became a habit. It was very painful in the later years for me. The letter occurs pretty regularly, surprisingly regularly in fact in science, mathematics and computing as a variable. And every fucking time it causes a pang deep deep within me. It has just been so painful for me. All these years you know. I never got any closure. I never knew anything. I found from a friend that you have a boy friend in college and that didn’t really trouble me. You make your choices and I can’t protest. I had no right. But you could have told me, we were talking in that period. I would have been happy for you really.
I read some of our chats, because I had totally forgotten almost everything that took place in my life before I started taking heroin. And there is one where you ask a friend of mine about me, whether I am happy or not and stuff. Wonder if you remember that?
There is not much more to say. I am sorry for my petty outbursts on this blog. I wish you all the success in the world. May you be very happy. Always. I have gotten the message pretty clearly. I just had so many questions. I have accepted that they would probably go unanswered.
One last thing. You asked me why I thanked you. At that moment I lied. This song expresses the reason better than I can: