I have only wondered always, that how much of my thoughts should I pour out and how many should I keep bottled in. I have already given up on being read. I have never expected that I would be understood. So I usually write for myself. I am in this being the reader, the writer. The written and the read. For all I do is eventually pour my thoughts out and eventually consume them. Thus I recycle myself. In doing so, I believe, I reject somethings and keep some thoughts. Thus a sort of selection of thoughts/memes takes place in my brain at a computational level so to speak. Which I believe guides the direction my consciousness would grow in. I think very soon I would sound indistinguishable from a tele-evangelist. I now think that atleast a sizeable fraction of them are deluded souls. Who only think that they have something new to teach. A way, a solution that they have which would cure the world of ills. Yet they should know that they say nothing new. That and the mountains of kiddie porn unearthed from their secret cupboards(ala Donnie Darko).
So what would be different about me? I wonder. I know it already. But I am a) not sure if I know it, because I cannot communicate it. b) cannot communicate it because I have never tried communicating it. c) have tried communicating it because I have never actually thought it, just assured myself that I know it. d) only assured myself because of the slight chance that on the contrary I might not know it, and hence I would have nothing left.
So it is eventually a question of how much I can convince myself that I know. a) I know everything that has the property of being known. b) yet I am fearful of how much I can actually remember at an instant. c) so i write books, records make meticulous details. c) Ergo I know everything, just not at the same time.
This is so because we eventually manage to convince ourselves, that the brain is just an organ. It is just a computational device. Yet I can, inside my mind, take a neutral position and observe how the brain acts. I can see it take decisions that benefit it in the short term. Eventually the brain is only equipped to make short term optimizations, and all it can do is to indulge in actions that are by nature hedonistic. a) A friend once called me a hedonist. b) man is an egotist hedonist. c) I am a man. d) I am an egoist hedonist. Yet I am more. I am more precisely because I can take a neutral position and observe myself. When I observe myself, it is no different from observing an animal, a lab rat. Thus it comes to pass that I spend years worrying about being a lab rat under observation, for whom everything is out of control and everything seems an insurmountable challenge. I wonder to what purpose and reason I am undergoing this lab testing. I blog about it. I opine about it. I pain about it. When it is simply me looking in the mirror.
Since large walls of text obscure meaning. I sign off and declare this chapter complete. Yet my work is unfinished. I duly begin to write the next chapter, and wonder why I am doing it. I know the answer. I will find it in the coming days.
